


I don't feel so good (Working title)

by Oh_no_izzy



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: Gen, Mental Health Issues, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Swearing, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Will Add More Later, but not actually attempted
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-18
Updated: 2019-08-10
Packaged: 2020-06-30 03:25:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19844581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oh_no_izzy/pseuds/Oh_no_izzy
Summary: “I… I was going to, um… Fuck. I came up here to kill myself. I left a note for May, and I just –” Peter trailed off.Tony gasped, “Oh God, Peter. Oh my fucking God. No.”Peter needs someone to show him how to live. Karen's programmed to keep Peter safe. Tony wants his kid to be alright.





	1. Mr. Stark, I don't feel so good

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Thanks for clicking on this fic. Before you start to read, some things should be addressed. This fic deals with suicide and problems with mental health. (There may be more to warn for in further chapters, which I will add warnings for if they come up.) If this kind of content triggers or upsets you in any way, I encourage you to keep yourself safe and click away if you need. Your safety is my top priority. In, addition, if you or someone you know feels similar to how Peter does, it is really important that you don't hide it. I know from experience that all of the fun mental health stuff, including suicide and self-harm are not easy topics to speak about, but they are necessary. Stay safe, friends.

The air was cold on the roof of the building, but as Peter sat on the very edge, looking down at the hard, unforgiving ground, the weather was the least of his worries. All he could think about how easy it would be to jump; How hard it would be. Because everything was crashing on top of Peter and he didn’t know what else to do, but the thought of actually doing it terrified him. He knew May would be devastated, which is why he hastily scrawled a note before he left, emphasising that it wasn't her fault. It wouldn't be much, he knew, but he hoped he could grant her a small kindness and leave a goodbye. This was exactly why he should just hurry up and jump; May didn't realise it, but she would be so much better off without him placing a stress and burden on her life. Mr. Stark would too. Peter knew that Tony was still extremely disappointed in him for the Ferry Incident, and that Mr. Stark would be a lot happier without a rogue teen spider swinging around, endangering lives. 

“Peter, are you okay? I am detecting a spike in your heart rate.” The kind voice of Karen, Peter’s suit lady, took him away from his thoughts. 

“No,” Peter took a shuddering breath, “God no. I’m really not.”

“Peter, I’m calling Tony now. I need you to step away from the edge, please.”

Peter’s stomach dropped. “Wait, Karen, No! Please don’t call tony. I don’t want him to see me like this.”

“I’m sorry Peter, but I am programmed to keep you safe. In the event that you are not safe, I have to alert Tony right away. He’s on the line.”

“Hey Underoos, what’s going on? I just received an emergency call from your suit lady. What shenanigans have you got yourself into this time?”

“M-Mr. Stark… I…don't feel so good…"

“Peter? Talk to me, kid. Where are you hurt? Karen just sent me your location, I’m on my way to you right now,”

“Mr. Stark. Please help me,”

“I’m coming kid, I’m almost there. Just tell me, where are you hurt?”

I’m not - I'm not hurt.”

“What – What do you mean?”

“Please Tony, I don’t want to go. I don’t want to –" Peter looked down at the dizzying drop below him and his throat closed up. It felt like there was another building pinning him down, suffocating him. His breathing was erratic, he was gasping for air.

“Peter, you’re having a panic attack. I need you to take a deep breath okay?” Peter tried to take a deeper breath, but it got caught in his throat and ended up as little more than a gasp of air. Karen continued to guide him, “That’s very good. And now out. And in. And out.” She continued that way until Peter’s breaths slowly evened out.

“Ok. I think I’m okay now. Thanks Karen,” Peter said, suddenly aware of another person on the rooftop. Tony ran to him, checking his body for injuries, before enclosing him in a tight hug.

“Mr – Mr Stark?”

“Shush kid. I know what I said last time. I think after the amount of grey hairs you’ve given me tonight, we might be considered ‘there’.”

“Mr. Stark, I’m so sorry,” Peter sobbed into the man’s shoulder, getting snot and tears all over Tony’s expensive suit. But Tony didn’t care.

“Hey, It’s okay. Why don’t we come away from the edge and you can tell me what’s going on here, okay?” Peter knew this was coming but hearing the words didn’t make him any less anxious. How was he supposed to tell his idol, his mentor, his father in all but blood that he was seconds away from taking his own life? What if Tony hated him for it? What if he never wanted to talk to Peter again? What if he took away the suit again? Peter started to hyperventilate, his thoughts overwhelming him. Tony placed his hands on Peter’s shoulders, steadying him, and looking in his eyes,

“Peter, listen to me. No matter what happened here, no matter what you tell me, I will never think any less of you, okay? You’ll always just be a big ol’ nerd to me. So, go on, Petey-Pie, do your worst.”

Peter took a steadying breath before blurting it all out in one breath, “Iwasgoingtokillmyself.”

“Speak English, kid. I didn’t understand a word of that. In fact, I think that _was_ one word.”

“I… I was going to, um… Fuck. I came up here to kill myself. I left a note for May, and I just –” Peter trailed off.

Tony gasped, “Oh God, Peter. Oh my fucking God. No.” Tony ran his shaking hands through his hair before gripping Peter’s.

Peter yanked his hands out of Tony’s grasp, “I knew it. I fucking knew you were going to hate me for it. I should never have—”

“No. I don’t hate you, I don’t – Oh God. I just…Fuck. Can you tell me why, please? Why were you going to –” Tony trailed off.

“I – I don’t really know what came over me. I wasn’t planning on – on doing that. I just, I got so overwhelmed and my thoughts were spiraling like crazy and suddenly I was standing on the edge. I was so fucking scared, Mr. Stark. The whole time all I could think about was how I’m so fucking worthless and that you and May would be better off--,”

“I’m gonna stop you right there, kid,” Tony interrupted, tears forming in his eyes, “I’m not, May’s not better off without you. If you died…I… If you died, I don’t know what I’d do. I wouldn’t cope, that’s for sure. I’d probably drink again, or blow up everything in the lab, or the whole tower even. And after that…Shit, I’d probably end up following you. You’re my kid, Pete, and I can’t imagine a world without you in it. I can't lose you, Peter,” The tears were flowing freely now, “Please. Don’t ever... Don’t ever think I or May wouldn’t care.”

Peter also had tears running down his cheeks, “Okay.”

After that, the two of them just sat there for a while, crying together in shared pain and love. After a while, Tony pried Peter off him and stood up, “Alright, enough of this emotional mumbo-jumbo for a minute. We should probably get going. Did you want to come with me to the tower, or back to Aunt Hottie’s?" Peter groaned at Tony’s gross nickname for Aunt May. Wait, May - The Letter!

“Tony!”

“Okay, Okay. I apologise for calling her Aunt Hottie. Happy?”

“No! It's not that. We need to go back to the apartment and take the note before May sees it!”

“Okay, kid. We can get that done. But I really think you should talk to your unusually attractive aunt about this, Petey. This kind of thing doesn’t just go away, I would know, and it’s good to have people in your corner."

“I-I, yeah. That makes sense, I guess. But she’s going to be so distraught. She’ll be so angry with me. I shouldn’t place this kind of stress on her again so soon after her finding out about Spider-man.”

“But after she got over the shock, she wasn’t mad at you, was she? And Spider-man is far more worthy of her anger than telling her that you are struggling. She may very well be distraught; she has every right to be. I am. It’s not your fault at all but finding out this kind of thing is heartbreaking, kid. Would it be easier for you if I take away the note for tonight, and we work on telling her together in the morning?”

Peter swallowed the lump that was stuck in his throat before replying, “Yeah. Yeah, okay. Thank you, Tony.”

After stealthily sneaking into the apartment and exchanging a suicide note for a note explaining Peter’s sleepover at Tony’s, the two made their way home. If the situation were different, the sight of a certain Spider clinging to the back of Iron Man might be laughable. As the pair flew home, there was a silence, leaving each to their own thoughts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading if you got this far. Please, tell me how you feel.  
> My plan for this fic: I want to write a follow-up chapter or two, but I only plan for it to be like 3 chapters, 5 max. I've started chapter 2 but I'm about to go on a 1 night camp and wont be back till Saturday arvo. Which means there won't be a chapter 2 until Sunday at the earliest (Unless I end up punching it out tonight.


	2. "Not that kind of doctor"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony reads Peter's suicide note. Bruce most certainly is that kind of doctor, despite what he may say.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi again! This chapter is less intensely angsty, but hopefully you'll still like it all the same. I now have a rough idea of what the chapter will look like and how it will end, it's gonna be about 5 chapters, so stay tuned for that. That's all from me for now, I hope you enjoy!
> 
> **WARNINGS** This chapter includes a suicide note, as well as multiple references as well as outright mention of a suicide. If these things upset or trigger you, this fic may not be right for you. Please remember to care for yourself first and foremost. I will never be offended if someone gives this fic a hard pass for their own safety.

_May,  
I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry that I didn't tell you what was going on before it led to this. I'm sorry for the pain my death will cause you. Because despite how much my mind tells me you're better off without me, I know how hard this will be for you. I'm sorry to make you feel that way so soon after Ben. If there were any way to do this without hurting you, I would've done it. I want you to know that this wasn't your fault. I don't want you to blame yourself. You did nothing to cause this and there was nothing you could do. I guess some people just aren't meant to be alive. _

_I'm sorry I lied every single time you asked me if I was okay. The truth is, I'm not. I'm so far from okay that there's no going back. It's like my life has turned to black and white. I just wake up every day, going through the motions until I can go back to sleep. Or well, go to bed. I can't remember the last time I had more than 5 consecutive hours of sleep. Just waking up is exhausting. Add to that the pressures of keeping up in school, and my responsibilities as Spiderman, and maybe you could understand why things are so hard for me. But that's not it. I hate going to school because Flash won't leave me alone. You'd think a bit of schoolyard bullying wouldn't bother Spiderman, but after the millionth time he calls me Penis Parker and slams my face into a locker, I just can't take it anymore. I hate it so much, because I am freaking SPIDERMAN, I should be able to stand up to a spineless bully. But I couldn't before, so I shouldn’t now, right? That's just how it goes, I guess. With great power comes great responsibility. I never deserved that power, or that responsibility. Mr. Stark was right when he took away my suit; He should never have given it back. I'm just a suicidal kid swinging around Queens in a onesie. Queens deserves a better Spiderman. Mr. Stark deserves a better intern. May, you deserved so much better than me. I'm sorry I couldn't be what you all deserved._

_Thank you for taking me in when my parents died, and when Ben died, thank you for doing your best to help me. I'm sorry I never told you what's been going on, I guess I just didn't know how to start that conversation, or even if I could. I didn't want to add any more stress onto you May. I love you so much and I'm so sorry it came to this._

He shouldn't be reading this. He knew that. But, knowing what was written on that piece of torn paper, Tony couldn't stop himself. With trembling hands, he reread the desolate words scrawled across the paper, the intended last words of the kid who was his in all but blood. The wrinkled page was forced to endure yet more destruction as Tony’s salty tears hit the ink, rendering the warped letters entirely illegible. Tony’s calloused hands delicately folded the destroyed page before tucking it into his shirt pocket. It took everything in Tony to resist rushing into Peter's room, enclosing him in a hug and never letting go. Tony had originally wanted Peter to sleep in his room, but eventually decided to grant the teenager as much privacy as possible given the situation. Hence the camera currently displaying Peter's sleeping form. It was the only thing keeping him from barging into Peter's room.  
Tony's thoughts were swirling, a combination of guilt and soul-wrenching sadness being the main things he was feeling. How could he have let this happen? Why didn't he see the signs? Of all people, Tony should have noticed the signs, having displayed them himself multiple times. Tony curled into a ball on the couch, his head nestled in his arms. Feeling the couch shift, Tony looked up to see Bruce beside him.

"Tony?"

"Oh, hey Brucie-bear. What's up?"

"I think I should be asking you that. What's going on?"

"Wait, so you're a shrink now? I thought you 'aren't that kind of doctor'." Tony sneered, turning away from Bruce. 

"No I'm not. I'm just - I thought you might need a friend. I'm sorry, I'll just go. " Bruce stood up, making his way out of the room. Tony grabbed his arm.

"No. I'm sorry. I - I'm just. I'm not equipped for this shit. If it weren't for his suit lady, my fucking kid would be a pancake. I should have seen the signs - I should have --"

"No. If it weren't for YOU, Peter would be dead. Every night swinging around queens, when he was fighting the vulture, and tonight. _You_ gave the kid the suit, _you_ made Karen. And you know as much as I do that it's not that simple, Tony. I didn’t notice you were hurting until I found your damn note. You told me that your life revolved around hiding it and lying. Nobody can compete with that." Bruce's hand balled into a fist, his eyes tinted a subtle green at the reminder of that night. 

Tony rested his hand on Bruce's fist,"Thanks again for saving me, Brucie. I guess you're right. But I'm not the right person for this. How can I preach to this kid about the merits of life when the bullet was in _my_ mouth not 9 months ago? I'm not exactly the poster child for happy endings." 

Bruce put his hand on Tony's shoulder, "You don't have to be. You just have to be there for him, make him feel cared for. Preaching to him about what he did will only push him away. Don't tell him life is worth living, show him. You never know, you might learn something from it yourself." 

"He doesn't need me though. He's got his hottie aunt for that. I'm just the man behind the suit. You know I don't do well with all that emotional jargon,"

"Who was on the roof with Peter when he was at his lowest? Who was it that talked a desperate, suicidal child off the edge of a building? Because it sure wasn't May. If you'll remember, she was asleep at that time. Tony, no one else was on that roof but you. Peter wouldn't be here to speak of if it weren't for you. And that - that is exactly why you are the only person so well-equipped for this job. Peter trusted you enough to tell you, when he was too scared to say a word to anyone else. He could have easily told you nothing. Remember that, Tony."

Tony raised his eyebrows, "Wow. You're really good at this. Remind me again why you 'aren't that type of doctor'?" Bruce rolled his eyes, making a dismissive gesture with his hand,

"Like I've told you, several times before. It's not my thing. I don't have the temperament for it. Now, quit feeling bad about yourself, and turn on the TV. The re-runs of Friends is about to start, and I am NOT missing it for a second time."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Welcome to the end notices, which will usually consist of me making excuses and ramblings about random stuff. Feel free to never read this.  
> So, funny story. I opened my onenote to continue writing this, and my unsuspecting self was met with "I'm sorry I lied every single time you asked me if I was okay. The truth is, I'm not." which is very similar to things I wrote for realsies in tha past, and for a minute, my brain short-circuited, and my stomach dropped because I forgot it was fiction, and thought maybe I'd had a bad night and wrote that. Upon realizing it was actually for this fic, I laughed at myself for a good 5 minutes and then applauded myself for realism.  
> In other news, I am proudly 1 year and 2 days free of self-harm! Yay for me!!  
> That's all folks. Stay tuned - the next few chapters will most likely be an onslaught of angst (My favourite!)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one where May finds out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! It's been a while, but here I am! I hope you enjoy this.
> 
> Content warnings still apply, this fic deals with topics of suicide and mental illness. If this kind of thing triggers or upsets you in any way, feel free to run away.

May smiled as she woke up, the first golden rays of sun barely peeking through her bedroom curtains. The early morning sun illuminated the room as she slid the curtains open, holding them in place with a clip. May hummed as she made her way to the kitchen, prepping a breakfast of bacon and scrambled eggs for her and Peter. At the sizzle of the bacon, May strolled to Peter's room and knocked on the door. Silence. 'Huh. He must be having a slow start' May thought as she pushed the door open. The sight of the usually messy teenager's room immaculately cleaned should have been the first sign something was going on. As May scanned the room, the delicately folded page resting where Peter should be didn't go unnoticed. May crossed the room and grabbed the note from where it sat on his bedspread. 

'Gone to Tony's for the night. Will explain later. Sorry.  
\- Peter."

May's stomach dropped as her eyes scanned the note once again. What was going on? Was there some kind of superhero emergency? If not, why the hell did Peter think it was okay to run off with Tony Stark without telling her? In fact, emergency or not, how could they think it was okay to run off into the sunset without asking her first? The pathetic note in May's hand crumpled as she made a fist. 

May stormed out of the room. As she made her way to her bedroom, May was interrupted by the smell of burnt bacon. "Oh for fuck's sake," May swore as she took the smoking pan off the heat, running it under water. Sure, she liked her bacon crispy, but there was a line between crispy and burnt to a crisp. Once the charcoal was taken care of, May turned off the stove, all thoughts of breakfast forgotten. In her bedroom, May quickly grabbed her phone and dialled Tony Stark's number.

"Hello," The carefree voice on the other end only angered May further. What right did Stark have to be so content when she'd been so panicked not moments ago.

"Where is my kid?" May spat to the irresponsible man on the other side of the line.

"He's asleep in his room at the moment but --"

"No, he's not. He's not in his goddamn bedroom, Stark." 

"Oh. I meant his room here, at the Tower. Did you not get the note?" 

"No, I got the goddamn note, Stark. It doesn't explain shit. Why is Peter in your fancy fucking tower, and not his house? It's a school day, Stark. You can't just take him on little excursions whenever you feel like it."

"Right, okay. Well - uh, you see… Yeah, this isn't going to work. Meet us at the tower, we'll explain it all there."

"What are you talking about? Explain it now!"

"This isn't something you wanna hear over the phone. Just trust me, May. I swear we will explain it all when you get here." 

"Trust you?! Why would I ever trust you after this? I'll come to your stupid tower, but only to bring Peter back home. You better prepare, Stark. When I get there, you are going to tell me exactly why I shouldn't make Peter cut all ties from you after this stunt!" May yelled, before grabbing her keys and walking out the door. 

When May stormed through the elevator doors, the smell of freshly cooked waffles wafted through the air. The peaceful scene of peter and tony, sharing breakfast and bantering, felt like an insult to everything May had been through that morning.

"Oh, hi May," Tony said breezily, "would you like a waffle?"

"Cut the bullshit, Stark. I want to know exactly what is so important that you just had to take Peter away in the middle of the night - on a school night no less! School comes first; Internship or not, SPIDERMAN or not, his education is the top priority - You agreed to that! So start talking, Stark. What was so damn important you decided it was okay to whisk my damn kid away in the middle of the night, without saying a word?"

"In our defence," Tony started tentatively, "We did leave you a note."

"You left a note, did you?" May screamed, "Well I suppose that makes it okay, does it? Never mind that I woke up to find my kid missing, it's all fucking fine because you left a goddamn note, right?! You know what? That's it. No more internship, no more Spider-man! I clearly can't trust the safety of my kid around you, Stark," May sneered, turning to walk out the door, pulling Peter's arm to go with her. Peter jerked his arm away.

"NO! May, don't, please! It's not Mr. Stark's fault. He --" 

"Peter, don't make me feel bad for this. You need to understand that you can't just run off with Stark. I get that hanging out with him is fun, but I raised you better than this. Think about how it affected me. I was so damn worried, Peter. I don't like what being around Mr Stark is doing to you. If it weren't for him, you would never--"

Wiping angry tears from his face, peter snapped, "If it weren't for Mr. Stark, I would be dead!" Peter's eyes widened as he threw a hand up to his mouth.

May froze, turning back to look at Tony, "What is he talking about? What bullshit did you get him into this time?" Tony paused, not wanting to escalate the situation any more than it already was. 

"Alright, this isn't working out. Everyone needs to chill out for a minute, okay? I'm sorry for not explaining things properly last night, but to be frank, we didn't exactly get a chance to do more than scribble out a note. I was a little more focused on Peter's immediate safety, but I am sorry for the way things were handled. Right, now we need to talk about what happened last night. Please, sit down," Tony said, gesturing to the couch, "I think we'd all be much more comfortable." May reluctantly obliged, sitting on the armchair opposite Tony and Peter. 

"Thank you," Tony started, taking his seat next to Peter, "I need to warn you, May. What happened last night - what we're going to tell you - it isn't an easy thing to hear. Not at all. This isn't going to be a light conversation." May nodded her understanding as Tony turned to Peter, placing a hand on his shoulder and whispering something in his ear. Peter nodded shakily, staring at his lap. 

"O-Ok, so… Um. Last night, I - well…I -," Peter turned to Tony, tears falling down his face, "I-I can't. I can't. I-" Peter's chest started to feel constricted, and each breath he drew in felt like inhaling fire. The building weighed heavily on his chest, as Tony muttered soothing things to him, trying to get him to get his breathing back before he lapsed into a full-blown panic attack. 

"I-I'm sorry," Peter sobbed, into Tony's shoulder. 

"It's alright Pete. How about I start, okay? I'll tell her what I remember, and once you've calmed down, you can take over, okay?" Peter nodded. 

Tony turned back to May, "Okay. So last night, around 12am, Karen, Peter's suit AI, called me through his suit as per an emergency protocol. I tracked his suit and flew to the roof of a building, where I found him. He was - He was crying and panicking and he begged me not to let him die. He was so fucking terrified, May."

"Wait, what? Why - what… What happened? How did he get hurt? Is he okay?," May blurted her questions rapid fire as Tony tried to calm her down.

"He wasn't hurt. Not physically. But he was hurting. He thought his only option was to swing up to that roof and… And take his life." 

"No!" May gasped, tears running down her face as she ran over to Peter, enveloping him into a hug. After a moment, Peter regained his ability to speak,

"I - I'm so sorry," Peter sobbed, still clinging to May. 

"Oh, my baby!" May sobbed, running her hand along Peter's back, trying to comfort the crying boy. "You're okay, sweetie. It's gonna be alright. We're going to work this out together, okay? We'll get you someone to talk to and -"

"No! I - I mean, you don't need to worry about that. We can't afford any of that. Please, I'm okay. It was just a once-off thing, I wasn't thinking clearly and--"

May put her hand up, cutting peter off. "No, honey, you're not. You're not okay. Don't worry about the cost, I'll work it out. I'm sure I can arrange some extra shifts at the hospital, or --"

Tony waved his hand in dismissal. "Or, you could realise who's house you're in. I'm Tony Stark remember? Money isn't an issue. Peter, you need help and we all know it." 

Slowly, Peter nodded. "Yeah… Yeah, okay."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In conclusion, this took way too long to write to turn out how it did lmao. In my defense, I have so much due about now, I don't exactly have time to write. I was also working way too hard to try to get may in character - spoiler: she's probably not in character. I wanted to write a better ending, but tbh, I just wanted to be done with this chapter. My goal for this one was to get to 2000 words, but I cut off at the 1500 mark. But hey, at least i wrote something... I'm not in the most motivated mood tbh but its all good. I think I just need to realise that I don't owe my readers anything, it sounds mean but I could literally never write another word and nothing would happen. So yeah, I will write the next chapter at some point, hopefully soon.


End file.
